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I have to sit on my hands when you walk by.
I guess that’s just words for the wise
Because I’ve tried being wise and at the same time make things work
But, again, I guess that’s not one of my perks

I’m so pathetic, you see
Because I always want you to chase after me
I guess we just love each other differently
Maybe I should let you be
Yeah, maybe I should let you be

I wish I was something more
I wish I was who I want to be
I wish I was still your muse
I wish I knew If you still love me




I feel pathetic. There’s really nothing much I have or can persue. I feel stupid. I feel frustrated and trapped. I also feel like that when I graduate, I won’t do ANY of the things that I want to do. I want to cut myself. I have no more options to make myself feel better and I never fucking have anyone to talk to. I feel so pathetic for even typing this out. I thing I should start bringing my razors with me to places because then, I wouldn’t be suffering as much when I’m out and about and alone. Like I am now. I feel angry. I feel like smashing my phone on the ground right now to get my anger out. I don’t even know. I’m gonna stop typing because there’s no point. I keep typing and nothing is feeling better.




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I’ve been waiting for a train that never came
But, I’ll keep waiting until I am sure
That someday the train will take me away from this place I once called home. 

I’ve known the conductor for quite sometime
He’s taken me places you would never find
But, sometimes it’s hard not knowing where we are
When he takes me to a place that’s unknown and far

I hope you will show
Because, the conductor, I know 
Won’t let me ride without you
For it’d be too hard to once have known who you are
And then, to leave with somebody new

In the future, I see,
The idea of you and me
Going to the next train stop and know
That although it was bumpy and the train kept on stopping
We came to a place that we’d both call “our home”

I’ve been waiting for a train that never came
But, I’ll keep waiting until I am sure
That someday you and I
Will be side by side and won’t need the train anymore. 




I fucking know I can take trips without you! I know I can garden and hike and swim without you. I know i can write and sing without you. But, I chose not to. I want to do those things with you? Is that some unheard of thing or something? I know that I could be with someone else and live “normal teenage years”. I fucking know all of this. It’s not like I’m so deeply in love that I can’t think about other options and their consequences. I understand that I can be with someone younger. But, I choose you. Out of all the fucking people who day in and day out hit on me and that I can probably have a normal relationship with, I want you. I want you not only because I love you but, because, in my opinion, you deserve so much and I think good things should come to you. So, I want to be part of that and help make that happen. And don’t say “You can do that as a friend.” because I think you deserve all of the love and compliments and cuddles and kisses and sex that you deserve and I want to be the one who gives that to you.
Yes, I get sad a lot. I do. But, compared to the times when I go home and I’m depressed or I go to school and I’m depressed, it’s a whole lot more. I think that, again, once I graduate, things will get Soooooo much better, even in the whole relationship department.
If you don’t believe any of this, then let’s just forget about this whole thing. I want to fucking try. Even if I get heartbroken or whatever, it’s worth trying.




How long should I wait?
Should we take a break?
Should I stop waiting in line?
Will you ever be mine?
Oh, baby, will you ever be mine?

Should I find someone new?
Are you sick of waiting too?
Or are you wanting to leave this all behind?
Oh, baby, can we leave this all behind?

I would wait a thousand years to be with you for one day. 
But, who knows if that day will come? 
Am I just wasting time away?

Just give me a reason. Someone give me a sign!!!
I hope to god someday you’ll be mine. 

Sometimes I feel lost.
I feel confused. 
But, then, you twirl me around. 
That’s when I know what do. 
I don’t want to second guess anymore. 
I don’t want to run and hide. 
I just want to know if you’re gonna be mine. 
Will you fucking be mine?




When I saw the 2 grayish birds outside my window,
Pecking at the grass. 
My body and my mind tried to convince me that everything is going to be fine from here on out. 
My body and my mind have had epiphany’s like this before but, have been wrong every time. 
So, I didn’t listen.
The sound of my bus coming scared them away.
With regret in my feet, I stepped onto it and sat where I mostly do. 
In the back and away from everyone else. 
For the few minutes of my alone time before the next stop,
I usually ponder everyday about my life and hope to god that someone will know how to get me out of the situation I seem to be in. 
The next stop is a kid who ran away. 
The bus stops where he lives, everyday.
In hopes that he’ll come walking out of his door.
But he doesn’t.
I can’t help but think he’s got it all right!
I cant help but, wish I was him in many ways. 
Wish I had feet that weren’t regretful every morning. 
Feet that would take me anywhere I wanted to go. 
Feet that would walk me to you.
Walk me to you so I could say that I still love you and that I want to try to make this work. 
But, that’s only fairytale. 
And some people have feet who walk in the direction society takes them. 

3/7/2014




Every tear that tries to escape my eyes is full of so many feelings
All at once
I try as hard as possible to swallow the sadness that tries to spill out like water from a drain pipe
I don’t know why
I think I should suffer
And suffocate in the pain that I receive
I’ve tried to scream for help from anyone who I think can give it
No one
No one knows what to do
Nothing
Nothing helps anymore
Writing, music, talking
They are no longer sources of relief
There are no more sources of relief
The word help haunts my dreams and day to day life
Nothing relieves and no one comes
Help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP ME!

2/21/14




You Press play
You get lost in the music
You feel as though the artist is singing about your life
The music itself is playing how you feel in your mind and soul
You’re feeling so many unexplainable feelings all at once
Everything around you has become nonexistent
It’s just you and the music
You feel understood
Your door opens
He tells you to turn off the music
You do
You feel nothing

2/21/14




Battling emotions takes devotion
And the strength that sometimes I don’t have
I scream and i shout and i put my hand out as if I’m falling and I need someone to lend a hand

I joke about “feeling things” when I’m actually feeling nothing at all
The only thing I can actually feel is the cold on the nights that you are gone

When push comes to shove and I’m in need of a hug, everyone seems to be away
But, when people are hurt, I’m always the last one to leave and the first one to stay

I’ll hold you, I’ll care, I’ll always be there in a flash. I’ll always be true.
But, when all’s said and done and you’re feelings are a ton better, I say to myself “who’s there for you? Now, who’s truly here for you?”







You’d be better off if coffee was your only vice

You’d be better off if you didn’t take my advice

You’d be better off. Oh baby it’s plain to see

You’d be better off if you didn’t have me.

Oh, a life of friends and family is obviously bliss

To me all of that is nothing unless you have the love of your life to kiss you on your lips

You’d be better off if smoke was 100% air

You’d be better off if I wasn’t there

You’d be better off if money grew on trees

You’d be better, baby, if you didn’t have me

Oh, a life of friends and family is obviously bliss

To me all of that is nothing unless you have the love of your life to kiss you on your lips




Different day,

Same song

They all just go on and on with the same old theme

One day I’ll

Return to

The happiness I once received

When will

You be

Here on the side that’s coldest for me

Someone please

Reenact

How I feel because I don’t know if I can feel it myself anymore

A poisoned pen

Will right over again

The same thoughts that I have running inside my head

Carry on now

I didn’t mean to disturb you

Go back to the life you had before

Happy life

With no strife

Feel free to write or leave a package at my door

I don’t know

If I should

Stay anymore

I think I’m

Trouble for you

And the life you had before




I alrighty. So I guess I wrote 2 things.