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I was making myself tea at Rachel’s house and the window in the kitchen was open. I heard Rachel’s Mom, Beth, open the trunk of the car so I looked outside the window to see what was going on. She pulls out a shit ton of balloons that say “Congratulations” and “I love you” because Rachel got the job at Shop Rite that she was interviewed for. I immediately started crying. Because I have never really received love like that from my parents. My Dad is emotionally cold in those situations and my Mom doesn’t fully understand how to act with those sort of things. Through out my life, I’ve always been the one who had to congratulate myself properly. I mean, of course, friends have congratulated me but, it’s never the same feeling as when a parent or even a family member congratulate you. I don’t know.. I just wish, sometimes, that my parents made me feel loved. I wish anyone could make me feel loved. No one ever tells me they love me.

I feel like no one wants to hangout with me.. Ugh. Self esteem so low.

I kind of miss when I was numb to things.

I hate myself.

Sometimes, I just want to lose everything and have nothing. I don’t know why.

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all

Wow! Hello old Tumblr.

Long time, no see….

I feel sad. Things have changed a lot since I last wrote on here. For the good, I’d like to think but, things aren’t how I’d like them to be still. I guess I shouldn’t be that way about it. 

Well, I’m out of school. It’s going to almost be 3 years since Jack and I told each other that we liked each other. Here’s the thing.. now, I’m all like “Wahhhh… Why can’t I tell people we’re a couple.” or “Why can’t we do couple-y things.” It’s fine, I guess. I’m definitely thankful that we have what we have now. I just want to do couple-y things now with him. Like, celebrating our 3rd year anniversary. It’s not even that I want to do it because we’re a couple but, I want to do it because we fucking last this long and we’re really at a good point. I don’t know. I’m probably being stupid. I get so jealous that Mary stops by his house all the time because I can’t do that. And today, I finally get to spend the day with him and I can’t because Collin (who has always been our cock block) and Mary just fucking show up. Then, both her and Collin are better at piano than, I am which makes me super jealous. And then, Mary’s all like “Oh, Jack. Help learn how to play drums.” And the one time I feel sad in front of him, I can’t express it because fucking people are around.

Once again, I don’t feel better. But, I tried.

I have to sit on my hands when you walk by.
I guess that’s just words for the wise
Because I’ve tried being wise and at the same time make things work
But, again, I guess that’s not one of my perks

I’m so pathetic, you see
Because I always want you to chase after me
I guess we just love each other differently
Maybe I should let you be
Yeah, maybe I should let you be

I wish I was something more
I wish I was who I want to be
I wish I was still your muse
I wish I knew If you still love me

I feel pathetic. There’s really nothing much I have or can persue. I feel stupid. I feel frustrated and trapped. I also feel like that when I graduate, I won’t do ANY of the things that I want to do. I want to cut myself. I have no more options to make myself feel better and I never fucking have anyone to talk to. I feel so pathetic for even typing this out. I thing I should start bringing my razors with me to places because then, I wouldn’t be suffering as much when I’m out and about and alone. Like I am now. I feel angry. I feel like smashing my phone on the ground right now to get my anger out. I don’t even know. I’m gonna stop typing because there’s no point. I keep typing and nothing is feeling better.

Whoops. Wrong blog.


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I’ve been waiting for a train that never came
But, I’ll keep waiting until I am sure
That someday the train will take me away from this place I once called home. 

I’ve known the conductor for quite sometime
He’s taken me places you would never find
But, sometimes it’s hard not knowing where we are
When he takes me to a place that’s unknown and far

I hope you will show
Because, the conductor, I know 
Won’t let me ride without you
For it’d be too hard to once have known who you are
And then, to leave with somebody new

In the future, I see,
The idea of you and me
Going to the next train stop and know
That although it was bumpy and the train kept on stopping
We came to a place that we’d both call “our home”

I’ve been waiting for a train that never came
But, I’ll keep waiting until I am sure
That someday you and I
Will be side by side and won’t need the train anymore. 

I fucking know I can take trips without you! I know I can garden and hike and swim without you. I know i can write and sing without you. But, I chose not to. I want to do those things with you? Is that some unheard of thing or something? I know that I could be with someone else and live “normal teenage years”. I fucking know all of this. It’s not like I’m so deeply in love that I can’t think about other options and their consequences. I understand that I can be with someone younger. But, I choose you. Out of all the fucking people who day in and day out hit on me and that I can probably have a normal relationship with, I want you. I want you not only because I love you but, because, in my opinion, you deserve so much and I think good things should come to you. So, I want to be part of that and help make that happen. And don’t say “You can do that as a friend.” because I think you deserve all of the love and compliments and cuddles and kisses and sex that you deserve and I want to be the one who gives that to you.
Yes, I get sad a lot. I do. But, compared to the times when I go home and I’m depressed or I go to school and I’m depressed, it’s a whole lot more. I think that, again, once I graduate, things will get Soooooo much better, even in the whole relationship department.
If you don’t believe any of this, then let’s just forget about this whole thing. I want to fucking try. Even if I get heartbroken or whatever, it’s worth trying.

How long should I wait?
Should we take a break?
Should I stop waiting in line?
Will you ever be mine?
Oh, baby, will you ever be mine?

Should I find someone new?
Are you sick of waiting too?
Or are you wanting to leave this all behind?
Oh, baby, can we leave this all behind?

I would wait a thousand years to be with you for one day. 
But, who knows if that day will come? 
Am I just wasting time away?

Just give me a reason. Someone give me a sign!!!
I hope to god someday you’ll be mine. 

Sometimes I feel lost.
I feel confused. 
But, then, you twirl me around. 
That’s when I know what do. 
I don’t want to second guess anymore. 
I don’t want to run and hide. 
I just want to know if you’re gonna be mine. 
Will you fucking be mine?

When I saw the 2 grayish birds outside my window,
Pecking at the grass. 
My body and my mind tried to convince me that everything is going to be fine from here on out. 
My body and my mind have had epiphany’s like this before but, have been wrong every time. 
So, I didn’t listen.
The sound of my bus coming scared them away.
With regret in my feet, I stepped onto it and sat where I mostly do. 
In the back and away from everyone else. 
For the few minutes of my alone time before the next stop,
I usually ponder everyday about my life and hope to god that someone will know how to get me out of the situation I seem to be in. 
The next stop is a kid who ran away. 
The bus stops where he lives, everyday.
In hopes that he’ll come walking out of his door.
But he doesn’t.
I can’t help but think he’s got it all right!
I cant help but, wish I was him in many ways. 
Wish I had feet that weren’t regretful every morning. 
Feet that would take me anywhere I wanted to go. 
Feet that would walk me to you.
Walk me to you so I could say that I still love you and that I want to try to make this work. 
But, that’s only fairytale. 
And some people have feet who walk in the direction society takes them.