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I’ve been waiting for a train that never came
But, I’ll keep waiting until I am sure
That someday the train will take me away from this place I once called home. 

I’ve known the conductor for quite sometime
He’s taken me places you would never find
But, sometimes it’s hard not knowing where we are
When he takes me to a place that’s unknown and far

I hope you will show
Because, the conductor, I know 
Won’t let me ride without you
For it’d be too hard to once have known who you are
And then, to leave with somebody new

In the future, I see,
The idea of you and me
Going to the next train stop and know
That although it was bumpy and the train kept on stopping
We came to a place that we’d both call “our home”

I’ve been waiting for a train that never came
But, I’ll keep waiting until I am sure
That someday you and I
Will be side by side and won’t need the train anymore. 




I fucking know I can take trips without you! I know I can garden and hike and swim without you. I know i can write and sing without you. But, I chose not to. I want to do those things with you? Is that some unheard of thing or something? I know that I could be with someone else and live “normal teenage years”. I fucking know all of this. It’s not like I’m so deeply in love that I can’t think about other options and their consequences. I understand that I can be with someone younger. But, I choose you. Out of all the fucking people who day in and day out hit on me and that I can probably have a normal relationship with, I want you. I want you not only because I love you but, because, in my opinion, you deserve so much and I think good things should come to you. So, I want to be part of that and help make that happen. And don’t say “You can do that as a friend.” because I think you deserve all of the love and compliments and cuddles and kisses and sex that you deserve and I want to be the one who gives that to you.
Yes, I get sad a lot. I do. But, compared to the times when I go home and I’m depressed or I go to school and I’m depressed, it’s a whole lot more. I think that, again, once I graduate, things will get Soooooo much better, even in the whole relationship department.
If you don’t believe any of this, then let’s just forget about this whole thing. I want to fucking try. Even if I get heartbroken or whatever, it’s worth trying.




How long should I wait?
Should we take a break?
Should I stop waiting in line?
Will you ever be mine?
Oh, baby, will you ever be mine?

Should I find someone new?
Are you sick of waiting too?
Or are you wanting to leave this all behind?
Oh, baby, can we leave this all behind?

I would wait a thousand years to be with you for one day. 
But, who knows if that day will come? 
Am I just wasting time away?

Just give me a reason. Someone give me a sign!!!
I hope to god someday you’ll be mine. 

Sometimes I feel lost.
I feel confused. 
But, then, you twirl me around. 
That’s when I know what do. 
I don’t want to second guess anymore. 
I don’t want to run and hide. 
I just want to know if you’re gonna be mine. 
Will you fucking be mine?




When I saw the 2 grayish birds outside my window,
Pecking at the grass. 
My body and my mind tried to convince me that everything is going to be fine from here on out. 
My body and my mind have had epiphany’s like this before but, have been wrong every time. 
So, I didn’t listen.
The sound of my bus coming scared them away.
With regret in my feet, I stepped onto it and sat where I mostly do. 
In the back and away from everyone else. 
For the few minutes of my alone time before the next stop,
I usually ponder everyday about my life and hope to god that someone will know how to get me out of the situation I seem to be in. 
The next stop is a kid who ran away. 
The bus stops where he lives, everyday.
In hopes that he’ll come walking out of his door.
But he doesn’t.
I can’t help but think he’s got it all right!
I cant help but, wish I was him in many ways. 
Wish I had feet that weren’t regretful every morning. 
Feet that would take me anywhere I wanted to go. 
Feet that would walk me to you.
Walk me to you so I could say that I still love you and that I want to try to make this work. 
But, that’s only fairytale. 
And some people have feet who walk in the direction society takes them. 

3/7/2014




Every tear that tries to escape my eyes is full of so many feelings
All at once
I try as hard as possible to swallow the sadness that tries to spill out like water from a drain pipe
I don’t know why
I think I should suffer
And suffocate in the pain that I receive
I’ve tried to scream for help from anyone who I think can give it
No one
No one knows what to do
Nothing
Nothing helps anymore
Writing, music, talking
They are no longer sources of relief
There are no more sources of relief
The word help haunts my dreams and day to day life
Nothing relieves and no one comes
Help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP ME!

2/21/14




You Press play
You get lost in the music
You feel as though the artist is singing about your life
The music itself is playing how you feel in your mind and soul
You’re feeling so many unexplainable feelings all at once
Everything around you has become nonexistent
It’s just you and the music
You feel understood
Your door opens
He tells you to turn off the music
You do
You feel nothing

2/21/14




Battling emotions takes devotion
And the strength that sometimes I don’t have
I scream and i shout and i put my hand out as if I’m falling and I need someone to lend a hand

I joke about “feeling things” when I’m actually feeling nothing at all
The only thing I can actually feel is the cold on the nights that you are gone

When push comes to shove and I’m in need of a hug, everyone seems to be away
But, when people are hurt, I’m always the last one to leave and the first one to stay

I’ll hold you, I’ll care, I’ll always be there in a flash. I’ll always be true.
But, when all’s said and done and you’re feelings are a ton better, I say to myself “who’s there for you? Now, who’s truly here for you?”







You’d be better off if coffee was your only vice

You’d be better off if you didn’t take my advice

You’d be better off. Oh baby it’s plain to see

You’d be better off if you didn’t have me.

Oh, a life of friends and family is obviously bliss

To me all of that is nothing unless you have the love of your life to kiss you on your lips

You’d be better off if smoke was 100% air

You’d be better off if I wasn’t there

You’d be better off if money grew on trees

You’d be better, baby, if you didn’t have me

Oh, a life of friends and family is obviously bliss

To me all of that is nothing unless you have the love of your life to kiss you on your lips




Different day,

Same song

They all just go on and on with the same old theme

One day I’ll

Return to

The happiness I once received

When will

You be

Here on the side that’s coldest for me

Someone please

Reenact

How I feel because I don’t know if I can feel it myself anymore

A poisoned pen

Will right over again

The same thoughts that I have running inside my head

Carry on now

I didn’t mean to disturb you

Go back to the life you had before

Happy life

With no strife

Feel free to write or leave a package at my door

I don’t know

If I should

Stay anymore

I think I’m

Trouble for you

And the life you had before




I alrighty. So I guess I wrote 2 things.




The scars on my hips were made on the day you went away

I couldn’t speak so they were what screamed for me.

They screamed for you to come back.

I hope, one day, these scars will become old

But, you’ll be here again only this time to stay

Reassuring my skin that no more harm needs to be done

Reassuring me that I don’t need to pick up another blade

Because none of it was my fault

I wish I felt that way

I wish I didn’t carve into my skin the word “insignificant”

But, my hand couldn’t help but, make the curves and lines that form that word

And as I lay, at night, on my side that’s burning more than bare feet standing on blacktop in the summer heat

I think of you speaking to me the phrase I’ve always wanted you to say

I think of you laying with me talking about your day

Then, we’re quiet

We share a moment of comfortable silence as we look into each others eyes

Then, as if that entire time you were thinking about me even though I’m in the same room

You say to me “You are important to me. I want you in my life. I love you.”

I’ve longed to be told this because I’ve never felt important in anyone’s life.

I’ve never felt wanted in anyone’s life.

Until I met you.

Then, oh god….

Everything changed

You listened and made me feel like everything I said mattered

And the events in my life are important because they’re my events.

My history.

And as I type this now, I realize that you are right.

That everything in my life is important.

Yes! I feel important.

This is my life and I’m the most important thing in it because without me, there wouldn’t be a “my life”

And now, as I type this, I wish I had a time machine.

I wish I could go back to when I was little and my Dad left me to tell my younger self that it’s okay.

I wish I could tell her not to wait by the phone for a call or not to check the mail for a card.

Then, I’d go back to when my Mom started to get bad.

And tell myself that she does love me. She just doesn’t love herself.

Then, I’d go back to when I lived with my Grandma to protect myself from being frightened from the death threat I’d receive.

And then, tell myself “that my cousin didn’t mean it”

I’d also tell myself to be easy on my little brother.

Because I know how much hatred I have harbored in my soul.

And how that would change Collin too.

Oh, god! I’ve helped fuck his life up. I’m so sorry, Collin.

I’d then, go to when I move in with my Dad to New Paltz.

And I’d be there every single fucking time my older brother hit my younger-self or had fights with my little brother.

And I’d hold her and sing with her and dance with her.

I’d calm her and tell her it’s not her fault.

Then, I’d go to when my heart was broken for the first time and tell myself why it happened instead of having to wonder for all those years.

And to tell myself that if he didn’t love me more than drugs, then I didn’t need him.

Then, I’d tell myself that even though I promised myself I wouldn’t turn into him, that doesn’t mean it’s bad to drink a little and get high.

Then, I’d got to myself the first time I’d cut.

I wouldn’t stop myself because I need to learn from mistakes but, I’d hold myself because no one else would.

I’d tell myself that I’m going to have my heart broken a few more times but, that it’s all worth it to end up where I am now.

I’d reassure myself that there is a brighter future and although it still isn’t here

I can see it shining through.

I don’t need a time machine to confront myself here and now that everything will be okay in the end.

I’m a good person. I still don’t feel loved but, I know that I am.

This isn’t me saying I’m happy because that takes time.

But, this is me saying that it’s not my fault.

A lot of things aren’t my fault.

This is me saying that you’ve helped me through so much.

You’ve given me epiphanies. You’ve given me mind blowing experiences.

This is me saying I’ve never relied on you for happiness.

You were just the last thing that gave me some.

I’m here telling you that I will wait.

Which is probably something you do not want to hear after reading this poem.

But, that’s how it is.

And if you have sex with her.

If you marry her.

My god, it’s going to hurt.

It will hurt like a thousand knives

But, I’ll still be there next to you

I’ll be your friend

I’ll be there for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzQWmAwNNCw




We’ll flash each other fake smiles

We’ll know it’s a lie

We’ll talk about it

We’ll cry

We’ll “break-up”

We’ll attempt to cope

I’ll feel alone

You’ll feel alone

We’ll flash more fake smiles

We’ll cry a little more

We’ll talk about it

We’ll kiss

We’ll be okay

We’ll make love

We’ll cuddle

We’ll talk about how much we missed this and each other

We’ll go home

We’ll feel alone

We’ll flash fake smiles

We’ll know it’s a lie

We’ll talk about it

We’ll cry

Again and Again

And I don’t know why

But, I love you all the same

Again and again

I still love you all the same